Don't Look Back

Last weekend I made what some might consider a “major” purchase. I bought a new Bible. It’s the first new Bible I’ve had in nearly seventeen years. 

It was definitely time, the old one is falling apart, the front and back covers are tearing away from the binding in two different places and the inside pages are covered in ink—pen ink, highlighter ink—even some crayon and lots and lots of pencil lead. It’s heavy with the weight of countless paper clips and pieces of paper, post-it-notes and folded notebook paper…and, lots of memories. 

They say that a Bible that is falling apart has an owner who isn’t. 

I don’t know about that…but, I do know that if it weren’t for the tearing at the binding I might be carrying it still. Even so, it’s time for a change.

So, for the last few hours I’ve been flipping through pages, transferring notes and copying thoughts from the old book into the new. 

As I was skimming the pages, those in the book of Genesis—specifically in chapter 19—where the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is recorded, I realized that some of the notes in my old Bible don’t even make sense to me, anymore.

In the margins of the old book, near verse 22 which reads: “’…but hurry! For I [the angel of wrath] can do nothing until you are there.’ From that time on, the village was known as Zoar”, I found the following note to myself which reads, “Zoar—it means ‘small’ in Hebrew. Keep this in your heart.”

I read the note several times.Why? Why did I need to know the meaning of that word? Why should I keep it in my heart—like a secret or treasure? What did it mean? 

I have no idea!

As I went further down memory lane, I discovered I had also highlighted—entirely in pink—the complete fourth chapter of Leviticus. It details the procedures for priests who are to make Sin Offerings on behalf of the Israelites. What, I wondered, was the message to myself in that? Did I truly need to know the proper and most ritualistic ways to remove the kidneys and fat from a bull? And, more importantly, why pink? What was I thinking?

As I wandered through my older copy of God’s Word, finding more and more confusing notations, I lamented my note-taking skills and called myself a “nincompoop” over and over.

How much was lost? How many times has God spoken to me during sermons, through study, while in prayer—how many pearls of wisdom has he given me, tools to use in my life—that were now lost forever because I’m a terrible stenographer. If only I’d written more, been more precise. Then I’d know what all that pink highlighting was for and why it was important to know how to break down a bull… As it is, I can only assume I was expecting to be asked use my new butchering skills at the next neighborhood BBQ.

I became frustrated with myself and a little angry as I was looking back… And then, I heard a whisper in the back of mind, “don’t look back.”

This simple truth came to me: Those pearls of wisdom God has given me in the past…were for the past. At the time of the pink highlighter, whatever was going on in my life at that moment was addressed by God in that moment. I no longer need that message.

Suddenly, I grew calm again.

Yes, I’m still sad I wasn’t more vigilant about recording the whys and the wherefores of my notes…but they’ll come again if I need them. God speaks the words we need to hear when we need to hear them. And, he always will.

There’s no point in looking back into my past. There’s no point in regretting what I’ve done or not done, where I should have zigged instead of zagged. There’s no reason to worry about how I got where I am. The point is, I’m here. Each step I’ve taken and every move I’ve made has led me to this point, right now.

More importantly, God has been with me all the while and he’ll continue to be with me until the very end and beyond.

Looking back—whether it’s at the incomplete notes in a Bible or at the mistakes I’ve made in the last 50 years--is a waste of time and it tends to be fuzzy and confusing. 

From here on in, I’ll be looking forward instead.